just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
