Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
