I faked an abortion last night.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
