is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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