yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
im six kinds of drunk right now
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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