About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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