so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Boobs are out for the taking
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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