I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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