I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
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I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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