when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
