I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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