they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
