What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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