I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I skipped work to stalk him.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
