I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
