Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
