please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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