So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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