Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
