i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
did you just send me my own nude
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
