Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
A bitchslap is in order.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
