Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
