Everything about him screamed your future.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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