If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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