Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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