Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
