it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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