Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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