girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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