turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
