eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
so let's talk penis.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
