You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
