it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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