don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
