I just made out with a guy for $7.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
