I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
