I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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