you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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