meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
