This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
