drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
