She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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