I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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