I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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