talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
