we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's official drugs can't kill me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
