Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
