so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
