Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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