I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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