When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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