I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
