Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
